


Lie to me

by Jaeminct



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Atsumu is touch-starved, Break Up, Cheating, Cheating Atsumu, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pissed Sakusa, SakuAtsu Angst Week 2021, Sakusa has mysophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:09:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaeminct/pseuds/Jaeminct
Summary: Lie to me to ease the pain. Lie to me so that I don't have to live in a world where you don't love me.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 12
Collections: Jaeminct- Sakuatsu Angst Week 2021





	Lie to me

**Author's Note:**

> Sakuatsu week: Day 5  
> Prompt: Lie to me

Sakusa knows what he saw and he knows what it shows but he can’t help the five word question slipping past his lips.   
_“Did you ever love me?”_   
  


Atsumu hesitates, he very clearly hesitates. “The truth?” He asks through tight lips. 

And there Sakusa has his answer but he can’t help the traitorous hope that pushes him to continue the conversation.  
  


 _‘Lie to me.’ Sakusa thinks, ‘lie to me to ease the pain.’_ Every self-preservation instinct in his body wants to run and hide from the situation at hand but he’s in too deep. If he doesn’t face it now, he never will.

“The truth.” Sakusa confirms. 

“At the start, I did.” Atsumu wants to soften the blow by giving as little detail as possible but Sakusa wants answers.   
“What changed?”   
“Me. I thought I would be able to respect your boundaries but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Sakusa nods curtly and stares into the corner of the room. 

Atsumu feels as though Sakusa should be crying, that is the normal emotional response to situations such as this but instead Sakusa seems unreadable. 

“And why couldn’t you just say that?” Sakusa whispers; if he doesn’t he’ll scream. He can’t even look at Atsumu knowing he’ll punch him if he does. “I understand you need a lot of physical contact and I can’t give you that; I get it. What I don’t get is why you chose to lie to me. What I don’t get is why I had to catch you with your tongue in Hinata’s mouth to get the truth from you!!”

Atsumu is taken aback by the icy tone in Sakusa’s voice. They used to fight all the time before they started dating but Atsumu has never heard so much bite in Sakusa. 

He wants to answer but he knows Sakusa is correct, he has nothing to say so he remains silent. 

Sakusa looks him dead in the eye and in his eyes Atsumu sees nothing. 

He doesn’t see the mixture of ambers and browns in Sakusa’s dark pupils. He doesn’t see anything on Sakusa’s usually so expressive face. The thick eyebrows that are usually raised in contempt or disgust are slack. 

“I’m sorry.” Atsumu whispers, wanting to see a crack of his boyfriends -no ex-boyfriend’s- emotions. He wants to know if it is hurt, anger, betrayal, or a mixture of emotions, swirling around in Sakusa’s heart. 

“I’m sorry,” Atsumu says again. He wants to show Sakusa the guilt he feels over what he’s done. He wants to lay his heart out bare for Sakusa to see. He wants to convey all of his feelings in those three little words, but it can’t be done. So instead he puts as much emotion as he can into what he does say. 

“I’m sorry, Omi. It's just that I think when we started off, I didn’t fully understand what it would be like to want your touch. I'm not used to having no way to get what I want. Usually there is some way that I find after racking my brains but I lay awake for days, for _days_ Omi, and I still haven't got a clue." 

"I understand." Sakusa replies in a tone that is far too forced for someone claiming everything's okay. 

"I don't love him, by the way, just so you know. He just, he was just there at the wrong time but ultimately it was me who made the wrong choice. So, please don't hate him." 

"What kind of a monster would I be if I did that?" Sakusa asks in an offended tone. He wonders briefly if Atsumu ever truly knew him at all. He already knows he didn't love him. 

Atsumu's hand is laid out across the table and Sakusa reaches out slowly, startling the fake-blond. 

Sakusa taps Atsumu's hand three times. Their secret love language, _tap tap tap = I_ _love you._

"What was that?" Atsumu asks, his brown eyes growing foggy with tears. He knows that it's the end before Sakusa even says the words.

"That was goodbye."

Sakusa gets up and walks towards the door, part of him wants Atsumu to call him back and vow to fix their relationship (he knows there is no way to fix them, they're just not the right fit for each other) but the other half of him is grateful that Atsumu let's him go.

The second he's out of Atsumu's earshot and sight, a sob rips out of Sakusa's throat. It is a rough and angry noise that Sakusa does not repeat. He wanders through the streets mindlessly, unsure of where to go, there is no place on this earth that could ease the pain Sakusa feels inside. He does not cry and he thinks to himself how different reality is from the romantic movies Atsumu always watches. Had this been a movie, Sakusa would be crying till his heart gives out and it would be raining heavily. He stares up at the beautiful sunny sky, the perfect balance of blue sky, sunshine, and clouds, and for just a moment it seems like it's just a normal day. He realizes that, for the other 7 billion inhabitants of the planet, it's just that- a normal day.

He walks until his legs feel heavy and his muscles are sore. Still no tears fall. 

How is he supposed to cry for a relationship that was destined to fail?

Looking back he realizes the _pure_ stupidity of it all. The relationship was a mix of impulses and rash decision. They dived head first into it, thinking with their hearts instead of their heads. They were fundamentally _wrong_ for each other but at the start it had felt so _righ_ t. At first Sakusa didn't mind pushing his limits a bit every now and then as long as it meant he could see that nose-wrinkling, all-consuming smile light up Atsumu's face; but at a point it all became too much. He'd stopped pushing back against his mysophobia as it was getting to mentally draining. He'd hoped that Atsumu would understand and be patient.

Now he knows that his hope was misplaced. 

The first tear falls and Sakusa swears it's the last but then another one falls and another after that.

Sakusa is sobbing before he can wipe the tears.

He feels a drop of rain on his head, the heavens have opened sending rain down on his already damp face. 

**Author's Note:**

> Who's side are y'all on? Who do you think could have worked harder for their relationship?
> 
> Let me know what you thought or any feedback you might have. Did you think there was something I could have done better? Kudos and comments are much appreciated.


End file.
